I’m the girl who’s still waiting.

But like, when?

For the girls who are still hoping, still soft, still waiting.

I got the inspiration for this entry from a really wonderful writer. It made me realise something I hadn’t fully acknowledged, even though the thought had lingered in the background of my mind for a while. It’s one of those things that shows up in small moments, in passing conversations, and then disappears until something brings it all into focus again.

That “something” was a newsletter titled “The Urgency Was Never for Me” by

hikssverse

, and whew, it hit deep.

I’m 25. Not old, not exactly young either. But I am someone that millennials, Gen X, and the oldies like to call Gen Z. And even though I’m relatively young, I want love. I’ve felt puppy love. I’ve felt the kind of love that comes from family. I’ve felt friendship love. I’ve had crushes. I’ve liked people. But I’ve never felt love, that deep, consuming kind. And this is me just laying it all out there: it’s weird that I haven’t felt that strongly for someone before.

To people, I may act like a “hard guy,” emotionless even. My best friend always says I bottle things up. I don’t like to feel emotions in real time, except anger, and even that rarely surfaces because people just don’t annoy me enough. Most of the time, I frown, unless I’m deflecting.

I know, how I wan take find love abi?

But still, I want love, that kind of love I see in movies. And I know it sounds ridiculous, especially living in Lagos, where it feels like most people are not even looking for what I’m looking for. They just aren’t.

lol

I watched a show on Netflix recently called Forever, and even though it had its toxic moments, there were parts that tugged at my heart. Because I want love that is easy, that doesn’t feel like struggle, that doesn’t feel like war. I wanted that kind of love even when I was a teenager. And as an adult? I’m still yearning.

I want someone who will yearn for me too, who sees me and loves me completely.

I know this is a stretch from the usual funny things I write or post. When I say these things, all I hear is “You’ll find someone” or, “It’s just a matter of time.” I’ve heard all the lines. And yes, I want bastard money too, money with multiple capital D’s, but I also want love.

Is that really too much to ask?

There are days I wonder if I deal with body dysmorphia, because sometimes when people call me fine, beautiful, or pretty, I genuinely don’t understand what they’re seeing. I’m like, “Um, where is this beauty you speak of?” Because I don’t see it.

I think I might be having existential crisis sometimes 🙂

I want someone who loves me for me, for how quirky, weird, or even funny I can be sometimes.

I am funny😉

I don’t always feel that way. But I want someone to laugh with, someone to be silly with.

I want love. I want to be madly, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love.

My friends might yinmu when they read this, but omo. I’m human. And I swear on everything holy, I want this so badly.

I still feel like I’m the girl that is waiting, the one always yearning for what could be, the one watching everyone else fall in and out of love and wondering, when will it be me? Sometimes it feels like what I thought would be may never even be, and I’m trying to make peace with that.

I’m not rushing, but God, do I want it badly.

Love,

Ololade 🫶🏾

Glossary

Yinmu: I don’t know how to define this lmao. I’ll use a gif.